by Stephanie | 11:36 pm

An unfinished tale is a poem written from a collection of damaged memories that are still haunting me to this day.

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boxing out the pain usually means that you’ve put it behind you

under you

not around you

for as long as i’ve tried i could never unsee the view

a kaleidoscope of traumatic memories only reappearing when i don’t even have a clue of what brought them to the surface

i am so tired of feeling worthless

feeling like everything i do could have been done better by you

you, an unknown stranger to my present piloting an uncertain plan to dig deeper under my past

it doesn’t matter how much you claim to know me; you’re just another one waiting in the line

at times i thought i was fine

or maybe i just had too much wine

your words keep echoing inside my mind and there’s nothing i can do to calm down the demons inside

they come out as huge wind-cold storms; never announcing the day, but always making me question my war zones

zones that i have battled throughout my darkest days

those that taught me that it’s not easy to stay, but yet, still i do

were there any cues that i didn’t see?

maybe if i rearrange my life as you see it through your eyes then maybe just maybe i could find the peace in me

always trying to be what you wanted me to be

i lost myself trying to find the version of me that you were trying to sabotage and sell me with

never once I thought about self-improvement

i thought the only way was through validation from outsiders

people who don’t know me but I still give the power to judge me

it’s not a matter of whose better and whose not

it’s the endless lifetime memories that are now lost

an unfinished tale

between my past, my present, and my future, i trust none

one made me someone i don’t want to remember

the other one is creeping in every second with false ideas of what life would be perceived as if only i live how others want me to be

while the other one is still an unsettling puzzle of impulsive anxiety withdrawals that can sometimes be deep

my whole life i have always been in denial

denial of my mistakes

my reality

my faith

my life decisions along with my build up anger

always living in hallow shadows and broken signs of danger

mistakes were done and now i can’t go back

i buried those demons underneath a side crack

twenty-four years of uncontrollable sorrows

disappeared in bar locks of trips that i never made

somehow my past self reminded me to bring back old suitcases of forgotten prose, temporary blank spaces, and on my journey through life, i’ve got my fair share of non-prescribed doses of uncertain sky-high regrets that i could never take back

scars underneath my skin ran across the sidewalks

pain that always ended up in unspoken monologues

those words crawl around your judgments and dispair

thinking i’m still the same sixteen-year-old girl

you open up old wounds that you have previously poured pure gasoline just to see me begging for the fire

an untouchable match that only you have the leverage of burning it on

take me back to those november nights when the only thing on my mind was waking up and seeing her by my side

it was the best month of my life until that midnight december cry when they told me that she died

my world was crumbled into unknown and painful pieces

needless to say, that was the last time i saw my dreams become a reality

no more endless nights of happy dreaming

now my days have turned into unsolved crimes of heartless bleeding

there’s not a single day when her face won’t come around filling out my headspace

between the suffering and the adapting, it feels like i could never fill that place

please, just fill that space

i wasn’t wrong

i try to be strong so she can be proud of me and my will to live

but my will to thrive is not as sharp as it was when she was alive

time doesn’t heal everything

it doesn’t heal anything

it just leaves you wondering when will it all end

when would you start feeling alive again

where do you go when you’re tired of your own company?

how do you die without having to go through the actual torment of taking my last breath?

looking at my life from an outsiders point of view i can see what i’m too afraid to admit

no matter how much time goes by this thought will always be one i’m too scared to commit

too afraid to miss out on all the opportunities life had waiting for me

i’m still yet to see one of them but, what’ll i miss when i leave?

an unfinished tale from an unknown girl who is still too broken to be able to grief her lost life that she never had a chance to live

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Comments

JMason

This is one very clever poem of hope and it’s truly beautiful because there is so much that the poetic personal is facing but chooses to have faith oft better thing to come even with the current condition that they face. I still haven’t been able to understand it hundred percent but there is so much that I have learned a lot from while reading 

Dec 20.2020 | 12:07 am

    Stephanie

    It’s a poem based on different perspective and different aspects of a person’s life. It can be either about love, loss, tragedy, etc. It all depends on how you’re reading it and what mindset you’re trying to associate it with. Thank you for taking the time to read this poem, it means a lot. 

    Dec 21.2020 | 03:45 am

Cynthia

What a sad poem.  I’m sorry for the people you’ve lost and the people who made you feel worthless.  I can relate to many of these emotions after my spouse died.  It felt (and sometimes still does) like I have no place in this world anymore.  You must fight that, you must find purpose and a reason to enjoy life again.  I wish you all the best.

Dec 20.2020 | 04:35 pm

    Stephanie

    I am so sorry about your loss. Grief is such a difficult concept to completely process without feeling doubtful or angry. No one deserves to feel such pain in their life and I really hope you find happiness once again. You deserve everything that’s positive from this world and I hope life can help you settle down and have a more steady and at-ease mindset. All the best, always. 

    Dec 21.2020 | 03:50 am

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