Collecting my thoughts
I am sure I’m not the only one whose mind has run wild, and suddenly you find yourself staying up until three in the morning, wondering if the thoughts inside your mind are actually yours, or if that’s how you think you should behave just to be accepted by society. We all have a collection of our thoughts, don’t we?
They can go from the simplest things to things that are more complex.
Today, I thought it would be a fun idea to share some of those thoughts with you, and who knows, maybe we’ll have the same line of thinking.
A Collection Of My Thoughts
First of all, I want to make clear that these are my personal thoughts and my personal thoughts only. You can agree with them, or you can disagree. Regardless, I don’t think anything could change my mind. Also, I am in no way saying that this is how things work in life, these are just my perceptions of certain topics. So, with all said, let’s take a look at the collection of my thoughts.
• It’s so exhausting how you can be friends with someone and you’ve told them about that one thing they do. That one thing that makes you feel so uncomfortable, insecure and it can even trigger you, but they just keep doing it over and over.
Then, when you start drifting away or distancing yourself a little, they get so defensive and just full of fake apologies.
But they do it again anyway.
I am almost sure that this is not just me collecting my thoughts, but also, opening your eyes a little more to figure out what’s happening around your surroundings.
• You know that intuitive sensation you get when you’re feeling sad and just empty, you tell someone to see if you can at least ease a little of that weight but they just end up making everything about them and how it would be better if they weren’t around, so that just triggers you even more…that feeling but as an everyday thing.
I don’t know if any of you have felt this way, but it truly is an overwhelming feeling. You try to be there for everyone, you really try, but when it’s you that needs someone to talk to, the conversation always moves in a different direction. I mean, I don’t mind listening to what’s happening in your life, in fact, I would love nothing more than to do so, but why do you need to shut me out as if my feelings didn’t matter? Again, I’m just collecting my thoughts.
• I’m in my 20s and I have never felt safe in my own skin. It’s not about looks. It’s about how damaged my soul is, and how intoxicating it is to dig into those open wounds just to learn that there’s no way out. There’s no fixing. There’s no escape, nor any saving. It’s all a bleeding mess of repressed feelings and empty emotions.
Sometimes, well…most times, I feel like I’m burning in my own skin and there’s no way to tame those flames. Everything becomes too much and you just become too numb.
• Please stop telling people that if they don’t have a degree, nor a job, then they’re worthless and not trying enough to make life better. People with mental illnesses would love nothing more than to be productive and to do normal things, like actually maintaining a job, or being strong enough to go back to school. There are other people that are incapable of doing it due to whatever the circumstances they. Those circumstances are building a barrier between what they want and what they can do. It’s a daily battle and it’s degrading hearing people say things like that without knowing a person’s background.
You have no idea the amount of stress and anxiety I feel every time someone asks me “so, what are you studying? are you working?”. How do I answer that without feeling judged for my disabilities and all of my mental issues? Do I lie, tell the truth or twist the truth a little bit? There’s no wrong or right answers, believe me. I have been trying to work on myself as someone who is strong enough to have a voice for myself and not let other people’s opinions invalidate my capabilities, but it’s not that easy. In fact, it isn’t easy…at all. It’s rather way harder than telling someone a twisted version of what they want to hear. All that just because you feel the need that you have to please absolutely everyone around you. I know that feeling. Those are also some of my collection of thoughts.
• It’s hard when you grew up in an abusive home and you were forced to learn certain things, and now being older and out of that toxic environment, you just find it really draining and tough trying to convince myself that what I saw and what I went through isn’t really how things work in reality, nor that I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help when I need it. it’s still hard being open about my opinions without thinking that I might not make it out alive regarding certain situations.
After some serious childhood traumas, your mind just becomes a reflection of what you were back then and what you’re trying to be right now. Those forces are fighting with each other for your custody regarding your mental health and how you’re going to deal with all of those unsolved life traumas.
Is Collecting Thoughts A Real Thing?
One of the things I’ve learned while growing up is that you’re in full control over your own mind, your own trauma, your own emotions, and somehow that is extremely hard to do when no one ever took the time to explain to you what any of that meant. Because of that, you have been bottling everything inside. At this point, you’re just…existentially tired. Though, regardless of that, I do believe in collecting my thoughts. For some reason that is something that makes me analyze what I have been through and my perception of life when I was a teenager with no knowledge on how life worked as a whole, and now that I’m an adult, I feel like I have more control over who I am and who I am trying to become.
I know it will take some time to get there but I’m in no hurry. I just want to feel alive and like I matter for once in my life. I’m just eager to get to that point in my life where all the pieces in the puzzle finally fit.
That has been me collecting my thoughts, but now, I want to know about your thoughts. What keeps you up at night? I would love to hear from you in the comment section down below.